What is generosity?
It is giving selflessly and not expecting anything in return.
Generosity can look different depending on the situation or the relationship. You may be generous in your relationship with your partner by giving nightly back scratches whereas he never returns the favor and you’re okay with that. He might surprise you at random with a gift just because he thought you’d like it.
Whether it’s you giving your time generously, your money, or an act of kindness the defining marker is not keeping receipts on your kindness.
How to respond to generosity
If someone is generous to you, you are in no obligation to return the favor. There are a few ways to respond.
You could reciprocate with generosity back to them. However, how your generosity may differ from theirs. A friend bought you lunch and you in turn lend an ear when she’s struggling with a certain issue. Or you can buy lunch next time!
Another way to respond to generosity is to acknowledge the generosity. A simple “thank you” is enough. Of course, your gratefulness should be genuine.
Narcissistic Giver
What’s a narcissistic giver? It’s someone who is not truly being generous but rather being kind in order to receive a benefit that they are not entitled to in the relationship.
In any healthy relationship, especially romantic relationships, each person respect the other one. Respecting each other’s boundaries and values. This basic component allows for love to flourish within the relationship. Expecting a certain reaction from the other person after a moment of generosity allows a possible disappointment.
A narcissistic giver will give knowing the other person is not capable of reciprocating kindness back. Or the other person may reciprocate kindness but not in a way that the narcissistic giver approves.
This creates a toxic relationship where receipts will be kept one or both sides.
How to deal with narcissistic giving and save your relationship
First, you need to analyze if the relationship is worth saving. If you determine that it is then you can turn your relationship into one that flourishes with love and respect rather than deeds.
Talk to the other person
Using “I” statements instead of accusatory “you” statements work well. “I appreciate the (insert nice thing they did for you here), it truly means a lot to me. It does however make me feel bad when it’s expected of me to do something in return.”
Sometimes all it takes is pointing out the mistake for the other person to realize what they were doing. If your partner truly respects you they will listen to what you have to say.
Set an example
Do something generous for them but insist nothing is needed in return. Don’t bring the act of generosity up again as that would be insinuating that you do want something in return.
You can also encourage them to tag along with you as you do some volunteer work. Volunteering is the perfect example of generosity as others you are giving your time to often have no means of repaying the favor.
Keep in mind that this is a passive approach to the issue of dealing with a narcissistic giver. Sometimes narcissistic giving a small misstep in your relationship. Other times this behavior is the result of other negative personality traits. Being in a relationship with a narcissistic person whether it shows itself in giving or in other ways is toxic. A simple conversation or a few moments of exemplary behavior is not likely to change your relationship. In these cases seeking counseling or other measures is recommended.